wish i'd never grown up

April 15, 2024. 5:41 PM

i am waiting here outside the consultation room of my psychiatrist. i have been here for almost two hours now- but i did not notice because i was working. i was literally wfh- working from hospital. i don’t know how long i have to wait more but there’s still a family with me in this long sofa, one is in wheelchair. i’m not sure if they are also patients of dr. montes but i’m hoping not. because if yes, id have to wait more in this lobby. i haven’t logged out from work but i have already deployed my tasks today so i’m kind of free to write.

i am writing because i have no one with me today. last time i was with my sister so i did not feel awkward around people but now, i’m alone and i don’t know what to do to avoid people’s eyes. good thing i have my laptop with me because first, i need to work but second, i have a reason to act like busy though i am not. also, some people here are pretty attractive but i don’t want to get caught looking at them so need to continue typing.

i guess to make sense of this writing i want to talk about advocacy. last night i was asking myself what i advocate for and honestly, i tried to find one. what change do i want to see in the world? that i have a lot of answers but to pick something specific to advocate for, it’s too hard for me to choose. i’m not like everyone. i can’t do all things at once. so i decided to go with this: i want to advocate for an inclusive environment. i want everyone to feel that they belong, that they don’t need to be someone they are not to be included. i want to make the environment to be that way wherever I’m at.

i am already next in line. hopefully i won’t have to wait another half an hour to an hour for my turn. and hopefully i get to hear good news from my psychiatrist. i hope that for all of us that waited here in line.

April 20, 2024. 3:34 PM

i am in the floor as I write this entry while listening to Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift and the lyrics just hit me once again. i wish i’d never grown up. i hope life will still be simple. bad news is that it happens, and i have no choice but to go with the flow of life. yesterday i was ten, playing with my cousins at 4pm outside of our house and go back home with our feet dirty; then i was thirteen, writing stories in a notebook because i said this is what i want to do someday; then i was twenty-one kissing and going out and taking a degree that mama told me to take. then i am twenty-six, writing about how i want to meet with the ten year old me and say that i haven’t given up writing, that i’m sorry because i’m writing code instead of writing stories like you always dreamed of; living with anxiety disorder, doing things i do not want to do yet i still do, some because i need to and some because i just want to. i don’t know where this is going, just as how i continue with life having no clue of what’s to happen but has to live everyday reminding myself to just be present. tomorrow i’ll be thirty, then forty-three, then fifty-two, but for now i’ll keep being twenty-six and just try to be better.