this is me living

I have been thinking, typing, and deleting words because I don't really know how to start this entry. Aside from the mental, emotional, and physical torture that I have been feeling for a couple of weeks now, my head is twisting in pain. It started this afternoon when I was on my phone so I decided to rest thinking the headache would leave, but it didn't. I can't sleep tonight without flushing these thoughts out of my mind. It's suffocating, so I have to get this done.

Honestly, I am only here trying to make sense of my loneliness. It's nothing new but this time, I don't want to be too hard on myself. Of course I can only say that because I can't actually do it. When I am alone, I always think of myself in the modern world. By "modern" I mean everything is new- the people, the environment, the ways of living- in which I always try to cope up with. And that is my problem. I always try to cope up but can't actually follow through. Am I wrong about this? Because if you can't follow through, you'll be left behind. I don't want to be left behind anymore. I'm always the last person on the list and I'm getting tired of it. I have come up with the reasons why I always end up being disregarded: my physical appearance and my weird disposition. I know this when people never chose me because someone out there is always better than me. More presentable, more good-looking, more talented, more fun to be with, more important. I can't argue with that because it's a truth you can't deny. I'm always in full support when people are asking me for some but I never get one when I need it. I'm always available when people are asking me for help but a few are there when I need it. I'm always the one who loves more than the others but is always too easy to abandon. This modern world is too harsh on me.

So I'm trying to rest these past few days. I thought, maybe modern is not for me. It may take a long while before I completely lose my eye on this, but I know everything is done in process. This is not me being anti-social, but this is me getting tired of trying to win a place. This is me taking care of myself first before anyone. This is me trying to love the man in the mirror first before anyone. This is me finding my worth without the validation of anyone. This is me living without having to die a million times.

I just want to use the remaining days of lockdown writing. It is one thing I promised I would be doing this pandemic period but can't find an inspiration to do it. We all need this, a small push so we can get going and reading Bela's entries on her WordPress account is a push for me today to write an entry again. I adore her so much now more than ever. The time I spent reading her posts is a time spent conversing with a friend under a cold night sky. Go and read everything on Overthinkween and get inspired.

Anyway, I think I need to rest my eyes now. This twisting pain on both sides of my head is torturing me. I don't even know if anything on what I say is clear but that's just what I have been thinking lately. Like what I always do on my every posts, I always end with one single thought.

It isn't selfish to finally choose yourself when no one ever did it to you.