the Oliver that i know

Oliver died two days ago. A witness said that he was standing at the edge of the bridge, jumped, and severely broke his skull. Tomorrow is the third of his funeral wake and a few has visited him, mostly relatives. Because I am the only friend they know, they asked me to deliver a eulogy for Oliver. I lie in my bed tonight staring at the last message I received from him.

I can’t wait to see you again. 🙂

I am angry. If he couldn’t wait to see me again, why would he take his own life? I am angry at him, at his message, at his last call, at everything about him. We just met two weeks ago after three years of zero communication. He was talking. He was smiling. He was laughing on his own jokes. He was fine, I can tell.

Why didn’t you just call me that midnight? You said I was only your one real friend. You said you don’t want to lose me and you want to keep me. How can you keep me now? If I just knew, I should’ve stayed for another hour. I should’ve smiled more. I should’ve listened more. I should’ve said the better words before you go.

Oliver Michaels. 1998 to 2023. “We are all emotions in one, aren’t we?”

Today I stand before the people who loved Oliver the most. And as much as I try to keep these tears, I’m afraid to lose them the moment I start speaking. I wrote my eulogy last night but I’m not sure if I had the right words. Because honestly, I don’t want to say goodbye to Oliver, not again. I have done a terrible thing when I left him and I still feel like I am responsible for his death. I am the only person who knows exactly the way he thinks but I still chose to abandon him. He never deserved me. He always deserved more than anything. But I will speak today. I fold the paper in half, and remember all the details about him.

”Oliver always ends our conversation with two words: Be there.

Just two words.. but they were uttered a hundred times. I always thought it’s because he didn’t want to go to every places alone. He needed me to be there. God, he’s such a kid. He hates a crowd of people. He sits at the corner whether he’s at school, at church, or at parties.

Our friendship had a couple of cold moments especially when we talk about how things are changing for us. At the end of the day, we still have to walk separately because our paths aren’t the same. And I just thought of this now.. that maybe that is how he try to keep people in his life.

Two weeks ago, we met again for the first time after three years. He was still the Oliver that I know. Quiet at first, but talks without a pause after a couple of minutes. He told me how I left without saying goodbye.. and how he spent the next years smoking and drinking and getting high. He told me he lost the only one real thing in his life- our friendship.

Oliver said that he’s all emotions in one, that we all are. Oliver is all emotions at once. He overthinks. He’s hard to understand. That’s what everyone sees. The Oliver that I know is hurting, alone, disregarded, trying so hard to be understood. The Oliver that I know overloves, overprotects, and overcares. And it took me his death before realizing that.

Oliver, I know your ears are on me. This is your worst revenge for not saying goodbye to me this time. I already miss your stupid jokes and your stupid laughs and your stupid voice. I already miss you. You don’t have to feel your pain now. ”

“Please tell God of how your life was like with me.”

“I’ll be there.”