so, not yet.

I was wrong.

I thought by letting others know about how I am doing would make my situation better. It does, actually. However if I am being completely honest, it does but only for a small of amount of time after doing it. I thought by posting how I am feeling with all this crisis and self-conflict, I was helping myself. Today I learned that I do, but I don’t to anyone who sees it.

I am always open about my confusion and craziness on social media. I always want others to know whether or not I am feeling good. It’s my way of dealing with my emotions and I’m pretty sure it’s good for everyone to have an outlet for self-expression. Writing is the outlet I found for myself. Words are my help to release all the gratefulness and the bitterness. Social media is my way of speaking.

Today I learned from Pastor/Doctor Tito Almadin that the best gift you could ever give to others is your healthy well being. It’s okay to acknowledge the times of disbelief and confusion and worries and anxiety and stress because that’s what makes us human. The people in the Bible also acknowledged their moments of weaknesses and in those moments they remember the power and the grace of God. So while it’s important to recognize our weakest moments, it’s more important that we remember who we should go to during those times of uncertainty. By knowing who we should draw our strength from, we would know the one who can really satisfy our emptiness. People can’t. God only can. I am not serving others well by presenting myself as a confused, weak, lost kid in public. I am vulnerable, but like Dr. Tito said, being vulnerable does not mean you have to go public because not everyone will understand. I was wrong. I was helping myself, but not others. I was being selfish.

I need fixing but going public does not create a change. I have been suffering from many mental and emotional strain, most especially in this time of pandemic, and I cannot think of another way to escape. But maybe escape is not what I need, maybe strength is. I need the strength to pick myself up because I am all over the place. I am scattered. I am everywhere. I am here but not quite here. I am complicated. I need to constantly remind myself of the life that I am supposed to be enjoying instead of wasting it thinking about all what’s in my head. I need to learn to identify what makes me crumble and set a proper response on how I should be dealing with it. I need to realize that my life is not a casualty in the war against myself. I need to remember the God I started trusting and loving a long time ago but because everything is falling, I’m starting to lose sight of Him. I need to see again my value in His sight. I need to remind myself that God has a future perfectly planned for me.

I’m sorry if I have been a toxic person on your feed. I’m sorry if I’ve been bringing dark clouds on your bright place. I’m sorry if I haven’t been healthy. I still have a lot to think after that coffee talk I attended online but I guess this is what I want to say for now. I’m not giving up writing because it really helps me avoid repressed emotions but I promise I will try my best not to expose everything.

To anyone who understands my struggle because you struggle about them too, we have to remember that we are only humans. We fall, we stand up. We fail, we learn. We lose, we win. We may be on the times of falling and failing and losing now, but our story does not end here. We can stand up. We can learn. We can win. We just have to get the help necessary for us to get them. Help is not always out there. Sometimes it’s inside of us, and most of the time it’s up above. We are not done yet. We still have a lot of work to do and a life experience. So, not yet.