be there

I am going to meet Anna today. Nope, this is not a usual friends’ meet-up, because she is a friend I haven’t seen and talked to for three years now. A very special friend, I would say.

We met in college and we found a lot in common when it comes to our interests– from books, to folk music, to loving classic films. She loves a restful weekend. She does not like night parties, roller coasters, seafood, and rain. But, she does like night walks, quiet playgrounds, street foods, and sunsets. She likes them a lot and I found it very beautiful.

I roll up the sleeves of my sweatshirt as I wait for her inside the cafeteria. It is warm inside but it is raining heavily outside. She must be pissed now. When we were in college, if the skies turned dark she would cancel all her plans. She doesn't like the idea of going outside when it rains because for her, rain ruins the day. She said it ruins the mood but in reality, it just ruins her outfit. I look around, checking if she is the one to open the entrance door next. It is ten minutes past five in the afternoon, we still have enough time to catch up before she leaves to meet her friend at six. If time feels short, we can still meet next time. Maybe.

She arrives holding her purse and her umbrella. She wears a yellow slim strap mini dress with ruffled hem. Yellow is her favorite color, and dresses are her style. Her hair is tucked into a messy low bun. She sits in front of me, and I am looking at her as if I had seen a celebrity. I feel small. But she is here, and that is what matters.

We spend the next forty minutes talking about the life that she has now. Between us are our own cups of coffee on the table and the past that we try not to talk about. We laugh about the crazy little things that we did together when we were in college. We make sure to avoid the part where we fell in love.

I watch her fold her tissue underneath the table, wipe her mouth, and tuck her hair behind her ear. She wears a necklace that says Anna, in cursive. Her eyes, which I try to reach in depth, are distant. Her lips look soft, like how it felt when we kissed four years ago. My head starts to float, my heart is eager to ask the why’s, but I’m afraid that I’d mess things up. I don’t want to lose her again.

“By the way, I started smoking, drinking, and tried a bit of getting high when you left. When I lost you, I lost the one real thing that I know. I waited for you in this same cafe.. hoping to hear why we need to put things to an end at least before you leave, but it’s closing time and you never came.”

I look at her, and finally I see the depth in her eyes.

“I’m taken.. and I’m sorry if we had to end that way. Oliver, we need to grow. I can’t be there all the time. I am here if you need me, but I need you to be everything that you want to be.. even without me.”

I am in the depth of her eyes. I fall in their darkness. It drowns me but I miss being there– in someone else’s eyes. In her eyes.

I lie in my bed. I can’t remember how I got here. The rain has stopped and it smells like midnight. I reach my phone and text her:

Hey, I’m sorry about earlier.

I will be busking in Central Park this weekend. If you’re free, please be there.

I can’t wait to see you again. 🙂